Running to Stand Still

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I was lucky enough to have captured this moment of my grown children putting up the Christmas village for the first time in years. You see we’ve been torn apart, hurt beyond words, silenced by our pain. The story is long, complicated and familiar to many.
Healing, forgiveness,  needed help, and most of all love are moving us forward into a place of peace. 

Sheared Apart – Keep It Together

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I have a couple of things to say about this storm cloud over Lake Erie this morning.

First, it’s just beautiful.  Looking at it from ten or more miles, you can see it in its entirety. You can see the upper level winds shearing it apart, and the bottom holding together. You can’t see the scars from winds as they rip smaller pieces here and there.

Another person can look at you from a distance and think they see who you are, but, of course they can’t see all the little rips your soul and heart have endured through life. Some people can understand and appreciate that. Those are ones you want to hold close, the ones you want to love. They overlook the rips, the scars, and love you back. They forgive, forget, laugh, and listen to you. They are able to cherish your value in their life and know you cherish them.

The other thing I thought as I looked at this seemingly common feat of our Earth is combined with the changing season. My changing season too. As age happens, sometimes I feel torn apart. My knee hurts. I don’t want to limit my food intake or watch what I eat. I don’t really want to exercise either. But the goal is to make it to the end as physically  intact as possible.  I’ve seen the alternative. Getting older definitely reminds one of how we are also shorn apart by forces that, while perfectly natural, really are frustrating and stink sometimes.

Our power lies in our ability to surround ourselves with love and positivity -no drama, no anger, no resentment,  no people that drain the air out of a room, no false claims of love from friends or family, no toxic individuals.  Just love and the gratefulness of each day.

I Used to Make Perfect Chocolate Chip Cookies

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I really did – when I was younger – make perfect chocolate chip cookies. Now they just turn out flat. Oh, they’re still absolutely delicious, don’t get me wrong. No one who eats them complains at all. And my homemade one bowl brownies are to die for too. I’m a pretty good cook, especially of sweet treats.

So, I don’t know why I can’t replicate the perfection of the ccc (let’s just shorten chocochip cookies). Maybe I don’t care how they look. Maybe I don’t care how I look in the face of presenting sub par looking treats. I think perhaps I’m just old enough to know NOT to care.

Raising kids is extremely challenging and there are so many factors that cannot be controlled, especially as they grow up and become people YOU can’t control. At some point I think I realized I wasn’t a perfect Mom and was not raising perfect children. I was a human being doing the best I could raising other human beings who will do the best they can in this world. I can’t protect them anymore. I can’t make a perfect world for them anymore. I had to let one kid go way too early and now my other is wanting me to let go too. Well, this is the “letting go” part of my life so I suppose, no matter how sad this may make me, I must accept it and move on.

I mean, the ccc are still delightful – they just look ummmm old and sunken in. Well, I’m not there yet – old and sunken in – but I am trying to let go of those ideas I had when I was younger. Thoughts of perfection, strong convictions of all those things I would NEVER DO have turned into knowing there is no such thing as perfect anything and when you say “I would never do that” life has a way of proving you wrong.

Here’s to a soft, gooey, ccc and a straight up square of homemade brownies.

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It’ll be two years on the 9th, Saturday, since I became a Motherless Daughter. It’s been an journey – good, bad, and ugly.  It’s been eye opening, which is saying a lot coming from one who prides myself on “keeping it real”. I’ve gone inside myself and am now just starting to emerge into the next phase of life. I’ve left many people behind and closed them out. Now I finally feel ready to move forward and open myself to others again. There’s seems to be more room as the Spring has warmed  the air and the sun is finally taking over.  And I’ve learned yet another lesson from the Universe on empathy and kindness towards others. I’ve had much grace shown to me.

A dear friend posted this meme on my Facebook page the other day and it got me thinking…

Take a lesson from your dog, no matter what life brings you,

kick some grass over that shit and move on.

We all have to move on – through whatever it is we experience on our journey. I look at my four aging animals. One cat is 88 years old in people years and she sometimes pees on things. One of the dogs is 78 in people years and he is having some issues too. Sure I get annoyed. Then I clean it up, spray it, put the fan on to dry.  I tell them both that it’s ok, hoping that when I’m that old and have “issues” I’ll be accepted too.

This must be the next phase of life. Accepting where you’re headed, accepting who you are and creating an place to be happy with those you choose to make the journey with.

HAPPY SPRING!!

Napping with the Dogs

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It occurred to me recently that I am indeed getting older. Well, these things happen to all of us, right? But it’s how it happened that I think is funny enough to share.

Was it….

The lines on my face that I know are there but choose to ignore? No, those don’t bother me for the most part. They’re a map to my soul and I’ve earned each one of them. Although, I suppose there are a few I could do without.

The creeping up of those few extra pounds that no matter how hard I try DO NOT go away? Nope, that just continues the same body image issues I’ve had all my life. Why change that now? I’m an expert at “Body Issues”.

The strands of grey that I diligently color?  Funny about those – I recall a time thinking that I wouldn’t color my hair and just let it go grey. After all, au natural tends to be my way. That idea didn’t fly with me once they started to come in so on goes the color. The few grey eyebrow hairs? OK, I’ll admit, that bothers me a bit. Tweezers please.

My children grown? No, I spent many years raising children. Some of those years contributing to the above grey hairs and worry lines. Those days are done for me and I’m looking forward to what’s next.

The animals collected while the kids were growing up? Yes, all four of them are going grey along with the two people left in the house. It’s not really this, we just all nap together on Saturday and Sunday afternoons.

Overall, I don’t mind my age. I’m smarter and wiser now. I know my boundaries and I know my limitations. I’m not afraid to speak up for something I want. Or to speak up when I don’t want a person or experience in my space.

What really got me the other day and made me KNOW I am creeping up in age was while walking the dogs with my winter coat, hat, and gloves on, protecting me from the cold north wind blowing off of Lake Erie, I passed a teen with shorts and a t-shirt on. I said hello to him as we passed and asked him, wasn’t he cold? His reply was, “No, not at all” It was in the 40’s and my hands were numb. I knew at that moment I had arrived at old-ladyville.